HOW TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT MARRIAGE PARTNER

HOW TO CHOOSE THE RIGHT MARRIAGE PARTNER

MEETING A PERSON AND TAKING THE DECISION

Originally, I had wanted to leave out the issue of meeting your proposed spouse. Perhaps this would have been better suited for another article, but how can we talk of choosing someone without at least teasing ourselves a bit on the issue of how and where to meet a possible person, wife or husband.

Meeting a person should start with the question “who are you” what type of person are you”?, and what then do you want”?

First of all, if you are a loose person, then go to where looseness is and you will get your sort of person. But more realistically, the church, mosque, workplace, in the academic places, conference, seminars, even in the bus, or through an awkward situation where it now falls on you to stand by someone, you can get someone to start talking to about marriage. And choosing begins from there.

 

Dig deeper to know more

The mere fact that you now come upon somebody in the church or mosque, does not just make the right, or make him or her right. No, God does not just place the right marriage partners on the church pew, or in the choir, or in the men’s fellowship for you. He/she could be met even on the road.

So, having got the person, find out the background. Who are his/her people? Where does he/she come from? What is the person’s domestic profile? You need to know.  A man met a lady sometime ago and was bowled over with this lady. But upon telling the parents, they, having heard about lady, known the family background, seriously dissuaded this man.

However, since he would not bulge, they arranged with that family so that the man spends a week-end with the family. His discoveries that week-end were enough to make this man run back with speed.

First, he found, on arrival that this lady’s room was not swept. Very dirty and clothes worn for a long time were piling one on the other. Then, this woman is very domineering, ordering her younger ones around, while swapping words with the mother as if they were mates, and only with difficulty that the father could speak to her and gain a hearing.

It was her mother and the younger ones that did all the cooking; she never came near the kitchen. He now came back to conclude that there is no point wanting to marry this lady. She is not worth it. Merely seeing somebody on the road and considering that you have seen somebody fantastic is never right. Dig deeper to know more.

This man you want to marry, do you know him? Can you get closer so that you will know more? The tragedy of most of today’s marriages is that a man just meets a lady, takes her out to lunch, dinner and goes to places together and then marriage is booked. No real digging in, digging deep.

Artificial Help

Another tragedy of wrong choosing of marriage partner is that people just meet, and because a man begins to “help” you in some areas, a marriage is stricken. No questions about the sort of man, background, his character, even the source of that money you seem to be seeing now.

Reasons You May Not Choose

In choosing a man to marry, you must consider the degree of independence of the man, Is he independent? Can he stand? Will he bow and leave you in the ring because mama or papa, or friend said so-and-so? Can he stand on what he believes? This is very important.

The man you want to marry, does he gives ears to hear-say or is he a “see-say” person? Influenced by what others say about you? A man who cannot believe only what he sees will definitely be led astray one day by what they tell him about you. This is a fact.

A man that is too careful about every little kobo he gives you is likely to have problems with you over money or no money. Check this out. It could mean so much.

Does he believe so much in himself, his achievements, his estates, his cars, that he now considers you as a mere cock-boat tied to the great galleon on the sea… If so, as time goes on, he is the type that seems to see his achievements as too important, and that no woman should dare. 

The reason why most of those who call themselves modern achievers, do not seem to consider marriage quickly is this point. And woman, I hope you are not shipping into this gauge. Try and detect this out.

There are some men who have no room for a woman at all. They simply are too busy, too occupied. This is bad. And for the woman, who is before you for choice, there are some simple things to look out for.

Is she your type of woman?

I mean her taste. Is he asking for aeroplane when what you can afford is just a modest car? Is she asking for dinner at Hotel Presidential when what you can afford is an ordinary plate of food in a basic wayside restaurant? Her tastes, can you meet up?  There are some women whose tastes expectations, are too far, too high, too much.

The woman you wish to marry, does she believe in you? Does she consider you big enough to worship, to regard, to honour? Do you see clear signs that she is ready to accept you as you are, and therefore show submission at all times? That is, she can say; “although I would have liked it this way, but because you say so, let it so be!

Talking about reasons to (or not to) choose, can you consider that lady if she is hardworking, and looks also to tomorrow. Does she love to work hard? For, if a woman loves hardworking surely, that woman will push you to work hard also. Allied to this is the fact that this woman will prefer that both of you make sacrifices today, for the sake of tomorrow. Not one that will say; bring all, let us squash, eat, tomorrow shall look after itself”. You need a provident woman.

God-fearing

Is she God-fearing? Does she regard God in her ways? Your wife shall be the closet person to your children, and if you choose a God-fearing wife, surely, your children, shall also enjoy that benefit of being brought up as God fearing persons. Most a times, we men are always outside, winning the bread of the house and it is she the woman that stays close to the children.

Moreover, a God-fearing woman, even when angry with you, and in her human self would have done you bad upon remembering the Lord-her-God, will refrain and think. So, marry a woman that regards God in all her ways, is a guarantee of your security. 

Avoid Pretending in Choosing (No Sentiments)

At this stage of courtship, there are cover-ups. People deliberately cover up a lot of things that needed to be known so that the other party will truly decide whether or not to accept marriage with that very person.

Marriage ought to be flesh to flesh, blood to blood, eye to eye; everything made is plan, so that if at last someone chooses you, then that is calculated decision. My fear also is that, in the process of choosing, quite a lot of people leave the main theme and get blown up with sentiments.

Many years ago, a man had agreed to marry a woman; they had started all arrangements, wedding all set. But four days to the wedding, the man changed. Switched over to another woman.

The reason was that the woman had got a ten year old boy already, but had kept the matter tightly hidden from the fiancée. And when the man knew about this, he simply disappeared from the field of play.

This woman now took the man to court, claiming costs for embarrassment, costs for actual purchase/wedding preparations. Defendant was able to prove his case that it was only five days to the wedding that the plaintiff’s son became known to him And the court discharged and acquitted this man. He was free to go and marry another, the court held.

So, to make a good choice of a marriage partner, do not pretend. Disclose all the facts you know about yourself. Be open, very open. This is another true life story that happens between two born again Christians, in one of the big Anglican Churches in Nigeria.

What happened was that the woman had told the man that she has never had any child before. But two years into their marriage, came two children, one 4 years, the other 6 years. They were her own children. The man was surprised. Passed out momentarily. Now the man began to agitate that the marriage will not hold again.

Even, in insurance, the policy of utmost good faith prevails. The law of non-disclosure states that the policy can be voided by the discovery of a key fact that was not put to light when the policy was effected between the insurance company and the policy holder.

“What therefore God has put together, let no man put asunder”, fine. Good talk. But, what of what God has not put together? Like a marriage into which somebody is bent with lies, cover-ups and pretences? Can it be kept together? Is God a God of lies, pretence and cover-ups? 

This article was written so as to confront ugly situations that exist, and take them real. What we see of most marriage choices today is hidden packages carried away for a wife or for a husband.

Both of you wanting to get into marriage must be open to each other. No pretences. Straight to point. This is me. Can I know you? Don’t pretend. Do you eat too much? Let your would-be spouse know about this and more. 

This is why I do not know how I feel when I see a lot of rules in some religion circles about how would-be spouses should stay too far and peep through the glass at each other. When will they get to know each other so closely so as to really understand whether they can tolerate each other idiosyncrasies or not? 

For instances, one area where fire is burning today in most marriages is sexual incompatibility or sexual neglect. I insist that would-be couples should discuss this very seriously and be sure that they can cope with each other.

This is of course quite apart from pre-marital sex. They should reasoning together and make a better resolution.

One area where cover-ups can kill is your romantic past. From day one, tell your would-be partner whether you had a wife before, if so, how many children? Whether you had a husband before or not? What broke the marriage? Whether there was a child out of it or not?  This marriage / romance history is very important. Do not pretend over it. Not at all.

All manner of questions that is desirable should be asked and frank answer should be given, no cover ups. This is how to truly know yourselves. And “knowing me, knowing you”, is the real key to marriage success.

…to be continued.

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